I can only imagine that love never stood still unchanging. It does. Love change and it was too late for me to notice. The coldness of his voice that used to lull me to sleep whenever I am down. It was the frown on his face when I start to argue with the things I wanted. He used to wear that kind of smile even if I made a failed attempt to play my childish tantrums. It was the gap between us that I feel when we’re together. How can I possibly miss someone who’s just sitting right beside me?
He never told me. I could only sense the gray mood around him when he’s with me. Is he feeling sick? Or just real sick of being with me. I can never tell that. Maybe, I am quite convincing myself that he does enjoy my company all the time. He just grew tired of the usual set up and wanted something more. Is that enough reason to explain the distant look on his yes.But, why am I feeling the hole inside my chest. It was like I lost him. He’s still with me, right?
I woke up reading something from his phone. I never asked him. I just cried and bit hard my lips to silence my sobs. He asked me ‘why’ and I could only cry harder as he was carried away by her current.
It is true that even great love needs a time out…
I woke up. I opened my eyes and stare at the blank ceiling. As if on cue, the white ceiling spoke to me and made me feel empty. Empty. This i s not quite the feeling you wanted to feel especially when you’re lying on your bed, all alone inside your bedroom. And on the other side of the world, your love is sitting somewhere or who knows what he’s doing now.
I end up crying. Yes, very cliche. I cried the tears filled with sadness and longing. My head is spinning wild thinking what or how to end up the long list of problems I have. Inside my heart lies the deepest torment I’d ever felt, the desolation of being away from someone I need to surpass the darkest time of my life. Eventually, he’s not around.
I gave up. Just like the oldest plot, I decided to give up. My happy days might be gone. My other half might depart away. Yet, it is the pain of being mature enough to let go of things that hurts me so bad. I do love him. I love him so much that it hurts so bad every time he fails to reach my expectations. I got tired of adjustments and second chances. Maybe, just a maybe, this might work in the right time.
A prologue to my wattpad story…
“Riya,” I closed my eyes when his soft, cold lips touched my forehead. It gave me that odd feeling that it was meant to cover up the avalanche that would comes next. I could feel that something not good would follow from that kiss. Let me go” he told me as his hands slipped away from my trembling fingers. I hold on tighter as tears started to fall.
“Click, please don’t do this to me,” I looked at him, trying to find the connection, our connection. But, I could not find it. His eyes reflect sorrow and sadness. “You promised, ‘di ba?”
There was no answer. And even though Click didn’t say a word, I know what that silence means. He already gave up on “us”. I had seen this scene, this moment where the fantasy of our love story would end. I should have prepared myself from the pain that this break-up caused, but, I can never ever be prepared for it. No one can ever prepare their heart for heartbreaks, right?
“Even a promise is not enough to keep our love together. I’m sorry, Riya. Forgive me for making your life a mess. Forget about me. Forget about…us.” He unwrapped my fingers on his wrist, my hand fell numb. Without looking at me, he stepped away into the darkness where I could not see him. All I could see was the part of his back that had been lightened up by the moonlight. He gave me one last look and continued to walk into the portal.
I fell on the ground watching him disappear behind the prism going back to his world. In a blink of an eye, he was gone.
I tried to run after him. I tried despite the fact that my knees could not even move. But, maybe it was the stars that crossed our fate together and even their bright light could do nothing to keep Click and I forever.
I’m sorry that I had to start this letter. I had the feeling that this word is not enough to help you heal the wounds that I gave. It was a mess. I apologized for being inconsiderate. I was being selfish, again. It was so foolish of me not to think of you. I forgot that you had your own life to live. I apologized for keeping you inside the circle of my life only.
I know I took you for granted most of the time. I thought you could always keep up with me, being that selfish girlfriend. It was not long enough before you realized, I am too much.I’m sorry. I hurt your feelings and ego, a thousand times. If only this letter could be enough to mend your broken parts, then I would be more than willing to write a million of letters for you. But, it was not what you need.
I wrote it all. All the words I wished I said to you. All the praises you deserved. I’m sorry for all the pain. I love you as much as you know.
How do I love thy?
How do I love thy?
I asked myself, one night
Under the starry night of the late January
While the cold wind kissed my cheeks
As I shook my head saying,
“I never know what love is?”
Is there such that thing called “love”?
I laughed and it echoed across the empty shore
I was staring at the vast sea, dark and silent
Empty just like how I feel
And I answered my question,
I could never love thy
I would never know how
I could never unravel love
I would never found out love is
All I know is that I am naive
So, tell me right under the gray clouds
How do I love thy?
When all I know is hate.
I am a the darkness. “How can I love thy?”
“Tale of love”
Back when I was a child
In age between seven or eight,
On grandma’s warm embrace, I cuddled
As she transform her words magically.
Her flawless narrations of fantasy
That put sparks on her wrinkled eyes
While I laughed at her toothy grin
Every time magic rose up from her
Every day I waited eagerly
For the rusty clock’s hand to strike at six
To hear grandma’s husky voice,
Tattling another tale of wonders
She once mentioned love
I listen with my heart at this
Since Love became clearer with her
Than I used to know before
Grandma’s tales of love still echoed
Across the empty veranda with stillness
I could still feel her embrace
Though she’s lying cold in peace
Fifty days ago…
Since you left to seek yourself
In a place two oceans away
From where we used to live
You told me to wait for that day
When you’ll come and get me
To be together again, one more time
So I count all the passing hours
Fifty days ago…
Since I started to mark the calendar
Until I ran out of ink on tattered pages
And still you never came
You told me love last forever
Just like the flowing river
But, we never know it runs dry
Like the love we used to have
Fifty days ago,
I wear this shining ring
That I wish that comes from you
And now I am tied in a vow
You told me to wait for that day,
When you would finally see me
Wearing the smile just for you
But now fifty days had gone stolen